Waiting

Have you ever waited in a waiting room and it felt like forever to find out if someone is going to be ok?

That seems like my life.

A was a late walker and she has always been not all that steady on her feet. Somedays are better than others. The last day however, she has been walking like she is drunk and falling face first onto the floor.

It is so disheartening to not know what is going on with your child. I know they say it is autism but is this just a blanket for we don’t really know, let’s just call her autistic and run with it?

I watch my little girl struggle everyday and it crushes me. No one can understand the heartbreak surrounding the I don’t knows and what ifs.

We called the doctor today and are waiting for a call back to see what we should be doing.

Every minute that goes by that I don’t hear that phone ring is excruciating. It’s like someone keeps stabbing me in the stomach over and over and over again.

This whole process has been a waiting game. From being genetically tested, to getting some sort of diagnosis, to seeing whether or not we qualified for State Insurance, to pretty much everything. And besides the diagnosis of ASD, we still know shit.

We do know that walking like a little drunk and walking into beams and falling is not normal. It just isn’t. No one can convince me otherwise. They’ve tried to explain to me that since she walked later, it is going to take longer for her to walk normal. Ok I get that but does that mean she will walk worse before she walks better again? I have seen no improvements and she has been walking for almost 10 months.

Sometimes I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle this. I ask myself all the time, why her? Why? We did everything right during pregnancy. We love her more than we love ourselves. Why her?

I guess we will never fully understand or get the answer of why. My biggest fear is losing my sweet little girl. No parent should ever have to think this way. No parent should be fearful that there is something not right with their kid. This is just not the way it is supposed to be.

My heart aches writing this blog today because I really do not know what is in store for us and it is the most scariest thing in the world.

I guess my only advice is if you have children is to hold them a little longer. Squeeze them a little tighter. Kiss them a little harder.

And don’t take anything for granted.

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2 thoughts on “Waiting

  1. ❤ ❤ ❤
    I know the fear, for different reasons, but I know the fear. And you're right — no parent should ever have to worry like this. I have experienced countless mornings where the very first thing I would do is check on my daughter, not because of tender love that you just want to gaze upon, but because I was terrified that she hadn't made it through the night.

    And the questions!! Yes, why? The rage, the frustration, the anxiety, the feeling like someone, somewhere, HAS to have answers, because why the hell can't anyone tell me what's wrong? There has to be Something. Someone has to be able to help her, and someone has to be able to make it right!!

    I'll be thinking about you today, and hoping you get that Something.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Like

    1. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! <3. We just heard back from the Dr, they want to see her in a hour.

      Completely get the checking in on her. I sometimes just put my hand under her nose or on her chest to make sure.

      Oye, no one told us that parenting while it is super rewarding can sometimes be so hard.

      Liked by 1 person

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