The “V” Word

Ahhh… The V word. The thing that no one likes to take about. The word that may make some blush and make others just really uncomfortable. But you know what? I am going there. Yes, ladies and gentlemen… the V word. Hold onto your hats. Wait for it… Wait for it…Wait for it… Vasectomy!

Phew! Now that that is over…

Anyways, I always imagined myself with 2 kids.

A boy and a girl like I grew up.

My daughter Aislin and my son Donovan named after my favorite uncle who passed way before his time. I imagined what it would be like. Would they act like my brother and I and fight constantly? Would they be best of friends and make forts waiting for my husband to yell at them for the five hundredth time to go to bed? Would they confide in each other about things that they couldn’t tell us? Would they stick up for one another during tough times? Would our house be full of loving memories of them opening up Xmas gifts, squealing for joy over the next new “it” toy?

The thoughts and lists go on and on.

And then I am reminded. No, none of this will ever happen.

For the longest time I have remained true to the fact that I wasn’t absolutely sure that another child was out of the question. I thought what if we knew what was wrong with A? What if it isn’t genetic? What if she is just a little bit behind? I am starting to realize the what ifs are a reality. We still do not know what is going on with her and to pass that onto another child? Would that be fair? Would it be fair to her? Would it be fair to the other child?

I don’t want it to sound like I devalue my child. Everything she does is so incredibly special and she tries so hard. But what if she can’t take care of herself? What if the other child can’t take care of themselves? What if the other child is neurotypical and has the burden of taking care of A once my husband and I are gone? It’s just a lot to take into consideration.

I never in my life thought that I would be faced with this. Never thought I would have to say no to baby number two because my daughter has been diagnosed with ASD, ACC, non-verbal, Sensory Issues, 6th Nerve Palsy, and GDD. Not to mention besides autism, I never knew any of this existed before her. How can I bring another child into the world like a gamble? And I know other people do it and I am by no means discrediting them or saying they are bad people, I just don’t think we are ready for the what-ifs.

Aislin has been so unsteady on her feet again and we went to the neurologist for a follow up. This kid is such a mystery. No one knows what is causing it. I have been asked so many times:

Q: “Did you get her ears checked?” A: “Yes, 3 times to be exact.”
Q: “How about her vision?” A: “Yup, also 3 times. She has strabismus, no depth perception, and 6th Nerve Palsy but seems to see fine according to all 3 doctors. Oh, and she just had surgery for the strabismus.”
Q: “She’s tall. Maybe that it.” (Ok, so not technically a question but just some asinine thing someone said to me.)
Q: “Did you get her high top shoes for support?” A: “Of course. We got her a bunch, thank you.”

Oh and my all time fave… “Maybe you should get her on rollerskates. It may help with her balance….” BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, WHAT?!?!? She’s 2. Lmao.

Anyways, I am sure there is more but I wouldn’t want to bore you.

The thing is, I think we have done everything and seen every doctor imaginable and still there is no reason for her walking like a drunk and crashing into things.

The neurologist today seems to think it is genetic. That is all great and dandy but we have had microarray, metabolic, Fragile X, and a panel that had 600 genes including Retts that all came back relatively normal/of no concern. How many more tests are there? And not to mention even if we do more testing, will they even know what to do with the info? Her MRI came back normal too except for the missing corpus callosum but no one understands or knows if that is causing her balance issues.

So here we are. Still watching my daughter walk funny and fall. Here we are still concerned. Here we fn are.

We have an appointment with her Developmental Pediatrician on Thursday and so maybe she can shed some light on it. Maybe she can get physical therapy I have been fighting for 2 years for through EI. Maybe we can get referred to again to an Orthopedic Doctor. Maybe we can try to help this poor kid before she really gets hurt. Possibly? Maybe? Anyone? Bueller????

Anyways, so as I was saying the “V” word. It feels so permanent. Like this is the end. This is the end of the chapter. Never going to ever happen. You lost your chance. And I am sad. I am angry. I am disappointed…

But then I look at my daughter and I realize she needs me. She needs me to advocate for her. She needs me to get her to where she needs to be. I have to be her Momma. I need to fight for her.

I guess the point I am trying to make is this. If having a vasectomy means that for the rest of my life I get just one best friend, I am ok with that. I am more than ok with that. I have to be but not because I feel like I am being forced to be ok with it; it’s because I know deep in my heart this is how it needs to be.

If my daughter is going to be the only one, I am damn proud that she is the one.



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