I See You in There

Have you ever looked at someone and think to yourself, “I wish I could get in their brain even if for just 5 minutes?” This is the story of my life.

There are so many times I think to myself, if only I could see what she is seeing. Feel what she is feeling. Understand life like she does.

I may never know.

You see she perceives things differently than all of us boring neuro-typical people. She understands things, interprets things, sees things in a way that we can’t probably even imagine.

There is such a sense of innocence. A sense of trust. Yet, I feel like with these comes a sense of frustration.

Imagine not being able to say what you feel? Imagine not being able to communicate that you are hungry, thirsty, or even scared? Imagine not being able to do all the things that we take for granted.

Today when we were sitting on the couch, she was trying to tell me something and all that came out was, “duh” and “buh.” She looked so intensely at me like she knew what she wanted to say but couldn’t.

She’s in there, man. She really is. We just need to figure out how she learns… how she will be able to communicate with us even if it isn’t verbally. She has a lot to say, she has a lot she wants to share with us.

I just can’t wait for that day that we finally break through.

There’s nothing more frustrating when people tell me, “Wait until she talks, you’ll wish that you hadn’t wanted it.”

It’s easy for people that have never experienced significant delays and/or special needs. It’s easy for someone who has a child of the same age tell you this because their child talks their ear off and probably shouts back at them. But if you were to put them in your shoes for even just one day, they may finally get it that having a nonverbal child is not a luxury. It’s hard. Really hard.

The only way I can describe it is having a newborn for the last 2-1/2 years. Granted she is more mobile and sufficient but is she really?

We never know what she wants. We guess. We are always guessing.

We don’t know how much she understands. So while you may be frustrated that your child is screaming back at you, thankfully you know why they are screaming.

Then there is the part that just sucks.

I have never heard my child say “Mommy.” I have never heard her say “I love you.” So while you may think having a nonverbal child is a luxury, you don’t really mean that. You just don’t. You think you are being funny, but in all honesty you’re not even being that.

I hope someday she talks whether it be with her voice or through a device. I want to hear all about her day. I want to know her wants and desires. I want to know she wants her favorite friggin’ snack. I just want to know all about her.

Because from what I see, I see her in there. I see her wanting to come out and just be a kid.

And someday she will.


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